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"you're so vain, I'll bet you think this post is about you, don't you? Don't you?"
What nobody realized is that Gene Chizik is actually a super sophisticated former secret agent who was hired by the University of Alabama back in 1986 as part of their plan to undermine Auburn University by systematically destroying the entire athletic department. Their first move was to get Chizik to work his way up in the roaching ranks, which he quickly did in only 16 years of coaching. When he was hired in 2002, Alabama's sadistic and cruel plan began to take shape as Chizik softened up the hearts of Auburn fans in Auburn's undefeated 2004 season.
Wary of people getting suspicious of him trying to destroy the program, Chizik left after 2004 to seek other jobs to throw people off of his trail. He did this by going to Texas for two seasons, figuring that this was enough time for Auburn's athletic department and fans to forget about their suspicions and for all of the evidence to vanish. Then, because he knew that he would need head coaching experience, he took the Iowa State job where he purposefully underperformed so that Auburn's expectations would be artificially lowered when he was hired. As Auburn faithful prepared to get used to 8 and 9 win seasons, Chizik unleashed the 2010 National Championship team upon us all, much to the shock of everybody in the nation!
Now Alabama had us exactly where they wanted us!
Coming off of an undefeated National Championship season, everyone expected a dynasty in the making. Surely this relatively new head coach, who had already won a natty, could bring many more to Auburn! Fans began to expect more, and that's when Alabama activated Chizik's destruction protocol. Chizik began to encourage coaches to go easy on the players, began driving away the best coaches, and started changing the things that made Auburn good. He decided that the offense was way too good, so he did the only logical thing available to him by telling offensive mastermind Gus Malzahn that he didn't know offense that well and he, Gene Chizik, former defensive coordinator, began calling the offense. Having already decimated the defense by hiring co-worker Ted Our Defensive Points Per Game Number Is Through The Roof, Chizik felt that the defense was sufficiently porous, but he couldn't let people be suspicious, so he hired Brian Van Gorder, a well-respected coach, and then didn't let BVG do anything that he wanted to do with the defense.
Then Gene Chizik set his plan into action, bringing down one of the worst seasons in Auburn's entire history, just two years after winning it all. Not once during the season did he seem concerned with Auburn's gaping holes: Now you know why. Not once did he seem worried about losing his job: Now you know why. Throughout the entire ordeal, very few people suspected that he was actually an Alabama mole sent to destroy our program. We thought Chizik was just a terrible coach but really he was just an amazing spy.
Or maybe it's just an awkward picture. Either way.
I always thought the windbreaker was strange.
I hope we hire a better dressed coach this time.
would make more sense than what we are all trying to figure out now
Reminds me of that Police song with the chorus, "don't stand so close to me"
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