In honor of the Great Petrino Debate of 2012, I decided to look down the top 10 teams in BCS standings and see just what coach might make everyone at Auburn happy. Here we go.
1. Brian Kelly, Notre Dame. Went 8-5 the previous two seasons. Only beat Pitt this season because the Panthers missed a chip shot field goal. No way. He's out.
2. Nick Saban, Alabama. Are you kidding me? Only has one SEC championship the last five seasons. Has lost to UAB and Louisiana-Monroe. Had four seasons at Michigan State, one at LSU and one at Alabama when he lost at least five games. Nope, not Saban.
3. Mark Richt, Georgia. Lost to South Carolina 35-7. Went 6-7 in 2010. Surely Auburn can do better.
4. Will Muschamp, Florida Lost six games just last season. Couldn't even beat Georgia. Almost lost to Louisiana-Lafayette. Forget about it.
5. Chip Kelly, Oregon. Did you watch the Stanford game. They only scored two touchdowns. Couldn't beat the SECs best in 2010 or 2011. He needs to stay out west.
6. Bill Snyder, Kansas State. Lost to Baylor, and it wasn't close. Don't forget, RG III is in the NFL now and Baylor has lost five games. How can he beat Saban when he can't beat Baylor? He's out of the question.
7. Les Miles, LSU. Are you kidding me? He almost lost to the worst Auburn team in 60 years. That's all you need to know.
8. David Shaw, Stanford. They lost to Washington, the same team that couldn't beat Washington State. Barely beat San Jose State. Couldn't score from the 1-yard line against Notre Dame. Still playing with Harbaugh's recruits. Only been a head coach for two years. Not experienced enough. Cross him off the list.
9. Kevin Sumlin, Texas A&M. He's had a good year, but he didn't even win the West. Besides, it's all because of Johnny Manziel, not the coach. Gave up 57 points to Louisiana Tech. Not ready for Auburn.
10. Steve Spurrier, South Carolina. Can't win the big one. Keeps losing to West Division teams and not winning the East. Even at Florida he had all those great players and won just one national championship. Won't cut it at Auburn.
So there you have it. Nobody in the top 10 is good enough to be Auburn's next head coach.
So that must leave Bobby Petrino, right? Not so fast, my friends. He lost 7 and 5 games his first two seasons at Arkansas. He can't beat Saban. He can't drive his motorcycle straight. Out of the question.
Auburn needs a coach who quickly turns players into fine-tuned machines that never make mistakes, never loses a game he shouldn't lose, always has a great defense and high-scoring offense, wins every recruiting battle and never has a bad season.
And if Jay Jacobs, Jay Gogue and their search committee can't find that guy, they certainly should be held accountable. Jacobs and Gogue should be fired on the spot and the statues of Bo Jackson and Pat Sullivan should be removed immediately from outside Jordan-Hare Stadium.
Or better yet, they could be forced to watch this season's 49-0 loss in the Iron Bowl without relief for 24 hours.
Nah, that would be too much. It's not like they committed a crime.
Smile at the next person you see, offer a kind word fo someone who is sad and have a great day!